LIFE STILL IS....

If writing this blog was my job, I would be fired at this point. But of course if this was my job, I would have more time to write. I am sitting down now with a new dedication to the written word. And even though I am most likely going to be doing most of my writing for my book , I will try to be as dedicated on this blog as I can be. 

So life... So much has been going through this head of mine. Well, for one thing this January has been on the slightly depressing side. It makes since, because January and February are the two months  that many people struggle with this. Since the holidays are past, and that New Years resolutions are almost always over by this point. I am not saying all this to put you into a foul mood, but just to give you some background info. 

I am going through a valley of loneliness and this seems to be something that I cannot kick! Even when I find myself surrounded by lots of people this feeling does not leave! People are busy, including myself, so there really is no one to blame for this. And when I am with others it's just a temporary fix, and the loneliness is still there. 

The good thing is that I am currently reading a book called "Anonymous." It's about Jesus's hidden years, before His ministry. There are only a few times the Bible speaks about Jesus between childhood and the time He started His ministry at 30.  Jesus had to makes decisions in the hidden years, that were un-praised  so that He would have the strength to say yes to the cross. 

Boy, am I in my hidden years. I have complained about it almost every step of the way. But this book is giving hope for the future, and understanding of these last few years. I thought I was doing something wrong, the conclusion that I seem to always come to. But the truth is that God sees me! What a relief, I was getting kind of worried! There is a purpose behind all this! With seemingly no one to love, and no kids to tuck into bed at night. With not the best paying job, and not the clearest schedule to plan things with friends. An empty bank account, and a small room at my parents house. I have been feeling kind of down! What's going to happen to me God? Plans to prosper, and not to harm? Ok, when does that start to happen? I am lost! 

One of my favorite passages from "Anonymous" is this 

"In winter, are the trees bare? Yes."

"In winter, are the trees barren? No."

"Life still is." 

"In winter are we bare? Yes." 

"In winter are we barren? No."

"True life still is. 

"The father's work in us does not sleep." 

I have known this, but I still question. I need to hear it every moment, week, or year that I feel lost. God has a plan that does prosper! There are different meanings to the word prosper, in our minds. I am in the season to prep! As much as school is not my thing, I have  new desire for learning. God is teaching me things in this time, and its time to except that I will be in this school for life. 

Being the drama queen that I am, I am learning what I need in this anonymous time. It's hard when you crave the stage, but if that time never comes I will learn to do behind the scenes work! And know that I am in the Ultimate Will of God! 

So this is what I am being taught, and what I am being brought through. This is not a glamourous time, and I hope it doesn't last forever. Even though when Jesus was ready, He was asked to do the hardest thing He had ever done. So maybe I need to slow down, and take the time to just learn who I am in Him. Don't rush His timing! I am at His call at all times. I am choosing to learn, and be teachable! 

:)

HATE IS OUR ANTHEM!!!!!!!!!!

Hate seems to be our anthem! We yell it loudly from our roof tops, and practice it in our everyday rituals. We no longer hide in the shadows of our sin, but we celebrate them out in the open. We congratulate ourselves on a deed well done. As we bask in the sunlight covered in each others blood! We cannot love each other as individuals, nor can we stand the thought of ourselves. We look in the mirror we hate! We stand next someone on the street, and we hate them too! Have we lost all God given compassion on the needy, and broken? Have we forsaken the children of the king looking out on us through the mirror?

Why can we not see? Why can I not see? Everything gets in the way of learning the lessons that should change us!  Yet nothing can get in the way of you over powering love! So why do we let it? 
Is it the age old dilemma of nature vs. nurture? Which are both very convincing arguments. But my thoughts on the subject are very deep, and would take a lot of time to write about. 3 or 4 novels worth of thoughts on these subjects. But my thought is that we have lost our hold on love!
As individuals, countries, families,friends..all sharing this same swirling planet do we even know we have let a grasp on love slip? 
I believe that some of us are aware of our loose grip on the savior, which has turned into the loosening of our love grip. How can we know love, without KNOWING LOVE! God our savior is love, so no Him no love!
Those of us who are aware of the love problem, have made all sorts of excuses for our lack. We have tried to tell ourselves that we are much to busy to think about loving people all the time. You see it all the time in churches, all these ministries to help out our fellow man. But I have found myself visiting many of the churches. And when trying to get involved have found them to be full of people with so much gilt, making up for past sins. I am punishing myself by acting like a give a care! We are a people full of self hatred! We have become doormats, and hate ourselves for it! This is not how it was meant to be! So those of us who know love, how can we show love? 



Firstly we must get over the fact, that not everything in our lives was meant to go our way. Bad things sometimes happen to good people. It does not mean that God doesn't love us, but you have to believe in a bigger plan. When painful situations arrive in our lives, do we go straight to blaming God for our hard times? It is believing that God really does have good plans. He loves us so much. How can we not see this? Is it because dying on the cross all those years ago for us seems so far fetched. Did Jesus really die for me?  We cannot picture anyone wanting to lay down there life for ours. We believe that is was a bad trade. With all the messes we make, and selfish choices. Why would the sinless, be traded for the sinful? 



It's taken a long time, but I am learning everyday that even if I don't understand it doesn't make it all less true! God has showed His love time, and time again! Everyday objects and everyday people have showed me His love for me. I see His sweet gifts of over powering love on a day to day bases. Open up your eyes to see everything that He has given you. It wasn't a one time donation on the cross, it's His daily dedication to romance you! When you finally get to a place of acceptance. Understand that you will never fully understand. Why does the master Creator love His creation so much. Would a painter throw His masterpiece away?

So once again those of us who know love. We must accept love for ourselves. Love who you are, and what you are becoming. don't cover your love with business, or hate those eyes in the mirror. Because if we truly know love we will show love. We have been given a mission to introduce real love to the world. For the ignorant cannot appreciate a fine piece of art. He cannot understand why so much was given for a so little. Blood, sweat, and tears....hours of dedication all for one piece. The world just doesn't understand. But believe they want to! 

Sometimes sitting still heals!

Yet, thirty minutes later, he sat awake, eyes still on the stars.

"They lead you if you cannot find your way." he whispered quietly to himself. He closed his eyes. "Then why have you left me so lost?"


********************************************************

the stars are to be a since of comfort. 
A guiding beam of light from the dark skies above
Sitting on the warm concrete in front  of my parents house
on July 4th listening to the sounds of summer.


A street down from my old home
was the sound of children laughing. 
Watching sparklers in there front yard, just enjoying the holiday. 


But I was conflicted
As every 4th of July that we possibly could, I sat with a close friend on the pavement.
Looking at the stars and talking about our lives. 
This summer seemed more different then the rest.
We each held our own set of problems deep in hour hearts. 


It had been several years since we spent this particular holiday together.
And while it was like we had never parted, our lives told a different story! 


We spoke about how tired we where, and how life seemed to be moving faster then ever. 
It's like we couldn't get a chance to heal from the damage done in our teenage years, before we where thrown headfirst into adulthood.


We need vacations! Vacations from are very lives!
Vacations from being us! 
But there was no time. 
Work started up again tomorrow! Holidays only last so long. 


But at that moment we could forget the business of tomorrow, and the obligations of our very lives! 
We could look up to the stars that guide, and trust in the one who owns the stars! 
Trust that our problems, over time will come to a place of peace. 
Like ripples in the water finally settling. 


And while we felt like we had so far to go. 
We knew that our friendship would make us strong. 
And that even though our way would soon be parted again, we still had this moment. 


Under that vast amount of stars, and space. 
two people have chosen to become friends. 
And when the clouds roll in, and cover up the guiding lights. 
We can rest assured that our lives will still see the path, as long as ours ears can pick up the masters whisper. 


Friends united under the same cause, with the same end in mind. 
Sitting under the dark sky full of colored lights on this night, to celebrate freedom that is ours!
we may have been tired, but yet we where rejuvenated! 
This life God has given us has so much left to offer! 


We didn't have much longer, I needed to get home for tomorrow was going to come early. 
And my father had just come out of the house, wondering what it was that we where doing.
I sat up, and made my way over to my car. Thanking God that we once again had the chance to do this.  

SINGLENESS

I have come to a opinion that almost everyone who has a blog is a mother, who just is crazy about there kids. I mean why else would you need a blog? It's a place to brag, and put up your kids picture...and just go on and on about the cute things that there kids do!

Now if you are a mom and this offends you I am sorry. (Or if you have a blog and are not a mother, and just talk about life). Or you write short stories and poetry, also sorry). I think that covers almost everyone!

I think that the single women is needs to be spoken too!

After several attempts at finding bliss, I am trying to come to terms with being a single women! And I am just saying that it's a hard road. Single guys can have it hard, but I am just am under the belief that single womenhood   is a constant struggle. A single man can be single and he is a player, but a single women a hag!  All this to say that I am trying to write a blog about my life, and how I feel. Adding poetry, and pictures here and there. I am also trying to make an impact on the day to day life of a single women.


So there you have it while other blogs might have cute pictures of kids, mine might be full of craziness with truth sprinkled in! If you are a beautiful, sometimes crazy single women out there put a smile on your face!

DESPERATION

I am praying in desperation that you won't let the hurt come in. 
Tears always seem to be in my eyes, as I think about your plan. 
I know this can be taken as kind of insult, but please here my pain! 
I have got to learn that your ways are higher then mine.
And that just because I want something so desperately doesn't mean that it's not for me. 




I have been under a belief system that is so unstable, that I worry sometimes for my fragile heart! 
I have come to have beliefs that I know are possibly flawed.
The biggest dreams of my heart, and the vision of my life seems to be unreadable to you. 
Sometimes I question if you even know this heart that you created! 




Are you there? Do you care? These are the two main questions at this point. 
My heart yearns some kind of sign that I am on the right path. 
But I seem to be alone on this dark road! 
I have no confirmation that you are by my side! 


The deepest desires of my heart are ready to be met. 
They have been in this state for so very long! 
Just like a flower is ready to bloom in the spring, so my heart is ready to sore. 
Why can't you see that I am ready?




Like a warrior ready for battle I stand at the edge of the cliff. 
Looking at the army you have given me. 
But yet you do not give the orders to charge! 
I stand there, as they stare at me waiting on my move. 
But I am stuck. 
I believe they think I am a fool!


"Don't move you say, and be silent!"
Being still is hard for me, and silence is even more difficult! 
"But Lord they are waiting, you gave me tools why can't they be used". 
"Now is not the time". You whisper! 
"But when"? I reply. 


Years have past, and the conversation is the same. 
They say you won't hurt me, that you have good plans in store. 
But I just can't believe you! 
I want too, more then you will even know! (BUT I CAN'T)


I feel like your plans keep me unchanged, and unmoving! 
The world spins around me at top speed, and slow motion is my pace! 
Am I missing something?
Why does it seem that you don't love me! 
For why else would you keep me chained to plans, that seem to do me no good! 


I have nothing to loose, and nothing to gain! 
Your plans don't seem to give me the since of adventure, and belonging that we are all searching for! 
I am sorry for being so week. 
What creatures of emotions we all are! 


I am trying Lord to believe what they say. 
Trying to give everyday a chance to surprise me. 
Looking for you in every moment! 
I am holding on to you word. 


I know that you are good, and that is what I cling too! 
As I sit here sorting out my thoughts, I think of all you have done.
I am trying my hardest not to be ungrateful. 
I am just a girl with a lot on my mind this night. 


Please understand my thoughts, are not a jibe of how hard you are on me!
They are just momentary feelings, and tomorrow is another day. 
I once again say that you are good, and that's all I need to know right now!  

MY DOUBT

So much has happened,

So much has changed.

Trust has been broken,

I now live in shame.

My head feels heavy. 

I fear everyone knows. 

They look at me now,

I now feel there blows 

Guilty inside,

no treasure to find.

all these feelings locked up inside!

I can't breathe, 

I can't find,

I am lost...dead inside!  

There is no light in this part,

just scared in the dark.

I can't find my way.

I am  far gone some would say.

She used to be so alive and so bright!

what happened to all of the love in her life?

She put her trust in the: church 

her friends, family 

and man.

she put them so high, they brought her so low!

She couldn't hold on to the pieces of her now broken soul! 

 down she went, straight down in a hole. 

And now it dark, scary 

and cold!

I am hurt, and I'm bleeding,

never been so stressed.

I don't feel safe anymore, 

not close to His chest.

I cry in the night, 

trying to find my hope!

trying to chase it down like wispy ghost. 

I need to find the light.

I am terrified of this night!

I believe I am going to loose this fight.

What happened to my Christianity that I held onto so tight?

She can't get it together.

She has lost her mind!

She now has a few addictions to add to her strife! 

She is not even trying, so it seems. 

I wouldn't judge her, but she deserves being brought so low.

She never would have thought she would be here, a year ago. 

Doesn't listen, doesn't learn.

refuses to admit! 

that her faith was never strong! 

That's how she ended up in this pit!

Please help me...please help me! 

I am asking you all. 

I can't live another day!

I know I will fall! 

If you can't help me when I am down,

then don't act like you care. 

My doubt has just gotten the better of me.

My God is this fair?

I have tried many years to make my life work.

But all I have found in many years is hurt!

Failure, after Failure. 

Day, after day.

Can you help me? Help me stop living this way?

I picked up a Bible after so many years. 

went to a passage that calmed all my fears. 

For the Lord has not given us the spirit of fear and doubt!

But a sound mind is given to those lives that are found!  

It doesn't matter that I once was full of shame.

for God has taken away all thoughts of dismay. 

He has brought me to a sunshiny day. 

And taken away all doubt in His name! 

The pain has now lessened. 

And I don't care if everyone knows, 

how He made me whole! 

And strengthened my Love,

of the one who is love! 

For He is the Lord who stomped out, my DOUBT!  

Starting From Scratch!

     This is my new lot in life:  To start from scratch, and start a new!

     Sometimes I think I need professional help, but the the truth of the matter is I believe we all need "Help". I have just decided that cutting ties from previous ideas, and ways of living is going to be the best thing for me!

    Let me start at the beginning of my new found knowledge. This summer has been hot, just like every summer in Memphis as far back as I can remember. My best friend headed to a missions trip, I miss her dearly. My status at my new church girl has gone from "new girl" to "just another girl". I am still at the same job I have been at for almost 3 years now.

     I am tired! It's not like a couple hard months ago when I was ready to pack up my life as a christian, and head down the highway to hell! No not that at all! I have just hit my next snag on the yellow brick road. I have   already came to the conclusion many months ago that I needed a change (Hence my "Highway to Hell" reference), and here I am now no closer to change then I had been back then. So I want to start over, but it hits me again! I don't know how to start from scratch?

    Not only am I tired, but I am also bored! Like I said: still in Memphis, just another girl, same job 3 years! The life of a christian is supposedly exciting, and some what dangerous! And don't hate on me, because I know that on the other side of the world people do have to live dangerously as christians. But that is not what I am talking about. I am thinking about the Lord moving you in a direction, and you packing up like Abraham saying "Send me I will go, even if I don't know where". But my hand of cards tells me that life here is still the only option (it's the cards I have been dealt).  Sometimes I think that if I did not want to leave I could get out, but since I want to leave I have to stay put. I have got to stop thinking of God as someone who always gives us what we don't want to test us!

     I not even really asking to go somewhere else, but sometimes its just "let something happen already!" I have been in this stand still long enough. Once again the heat comes in, I am telling you it's hot here! Getting hotter by the moment.

     So starting over! Forgetting what I have learned, and making my own decisions on things. What do I believe from what I know from the Bible and God's character? What are the things I take from being taught, and what do I believe for myself! I am starting from scratch! And I am praying that God will direct me! Even if once again it is His will that I stay in my same old pattern.

I guess I just have to pray through this season of waiting, and press on for the new season! Please Lord just don't let in be long!