Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Sometimes sitting still heals!

Yet, thirty minutes later, he sat awake, eyes still on the stars.

"They lead you if you cannot find your way." he whispered quietly to himself. He closed his eyes. "Then why have you left me so lost?"


********************************************************






the stars are to be a since of comfort. 
A guiding beam of light from the dark skies above
Sitting on the warm concrete in front  of my parents house
on July 4th listening to the sounds of summer.


A street down from my old home
was the sound of children laughing. 
Watching sparklers in there front yard, just enjoying the holiday. 


But I was conflicted
As every 4th of July that we possibly could, I sat with a close friend on the pavement.
Looking at the stars and talking about our lives. 
This summer seemed more different then the rest.
We each held our own set of problems deep in hour hearts. 


It had been several years since we spent this particular holiday together.
And while it was like we had never parted, our lives told a different story! 


We spoke about how tired we where, and how life seemed to be moving faster then ever. 
It's like we couldn't get a chance to heal from the damage done in our teenage years, before we where thrown headfirst into adulthood.


We need vacations! Vacations from are very lives!
Vacations from being us! 
But there was no time. 
Work started up again tomorrow! Holidays only last so long. 


But at that moment we could forget the business of tomorrow, and the obligations of our very lives! 
We could look up to the stars that guide, and trust in the one who owns the stars! 
Trust that our problems, over time will come to a place of peace. 
Like ripples in the water finally settling. 


And while we felt like we had so far to go. 
We knew that our friendship would make us strong. 
And that even though our way would soon be parted again, we still had this moment. 


Under that vast amount of stars, and space. 
two people have chosen to become friends. 
And when the clouds roll in, and cover up the guiding lights. 
We can rest assured that our lives will still see the path, as long as ours ears can pick up the masters whisper. 


Friends united under the same cause, with the same end in mind. 
Sitting under the dark sky full of colored lights on this night, to celebrate freedom that is ours!
we may have been tired, but yet we where rejuvenated! 
This life God has given us has so much left to offer! 


We didn't have much longer, I needed to get home for tomorrow was going to come early. 
And my father had just come out of the house, wondering what it was that we where doing.
I sat up, and made my way over to my car. Thanking God that we once again had the chance to do this.  










Tuesday, July 12, 2011

SINGLENESS

I have come to a opinion that almost everyone who has a blog is a mother, who just is crazy about there kids. I mean why else would you need a blog? It's a place to brag, and put up your kids picture...and just go on and on about the cute things that there kids do!

Now if you are a mom and this offends you I am sorry. (Or if you have a blog and are not a mother, and just talk about life). Or you write short stories and poetry, also sorry). I think that covers almost everyone!

I think that the single women is needs to be spoken too!

After several attempts at finding bliss, I am trying to come to terms with being a single women! And I am just saying that it's a hard road. Single guys can have it hard, but I am just am under the belief that single womenhood   is a constant struggle. A single man can be single and he is a player, but a single women a hag!  All this to say that I am trying to write a blog about my life, and how I feel. Adding poetry, and pictures here and there. I am also trying to make an impact on the day to day life of a single women.


So there you have it while other blogs might have cute pictures of kids, mine might be full of craziness with truth sprinkled in! If you are a beautiful, sometimes crazy single women out there put a smile on your face!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

DESPERATION

I am praying in desperation that you won't let the hurt come in. 
Tears always seem to be in my eyes, as I think about your plan. 
I know this can be taken as kind of insult, but please here my pain! 
I have got to learn that your ways are higher then mine.
And that just because I want something so desperately doesn't mean that it's not for me. 




I have been under a belief system that is so unstable, that I worry sometimes for my fragile heart! 
I have come to have beliefs that I know are possibly flawed.
The biggest dreams of my heart, and the vision of my life seems to be unreadable to you. 
Sometimes I question if you even know this heart that you created! 




Are you there? Do you care? These are the two main questions at this point. 
My heart yearns some kind of sign that I am on the right path. 
But I seem to be alone on this dark road! 
I have no confirmation that you are by my side! 


The deepest desires of my heart are ready to be met. 
They have been in this state for so very long! 
Just like a flower is ready to bloom in the spring, so my heart is ready to sore. 
Why can't you see that I am ready?




Like a warrior ready for battle I stand at the edge of the cliff. 
Looking at the army you have given me. 
But yet you do not give the orders to charge! 
I stand there, as they stare at me waiting on my move. 
But I am stuck. 
I believe they think I am a fool!


"Don't move you say, and be silent!"
Being still is hard for me, and silence is even more difficult! 
"But Lord they are waiting, you gave me tools why can't they be used". 
"Now is not the time". You whisper! 
"But when"? I reply. 


Years have past, and the conversation is the same. 
They say you won't hurt me, that you have good plans in store. 
But I just can't believe you! 
I want too, more then you will even know! (BUT I CAN'T)


I feel like your plans keep me unchanged, and unmoving! 
The world spins around me at top speed, and slow motion is my pace! 
Am I missing something?
Why does it seem that you don't love me! 
For why else would you keep me chained to plans, that seem to do me no good! 


I have nothing to loose, and nothing to gain! 
Your plans don't seem to give me the since of adventure, and belonging that we are all searching for! 
I am sorry for being so week. 
What creatures of emotions we all are! 


I am trying Lord to believe what they say. 
Trying to give everyday a chance to surprise me. 
Looking for you in every moment! 
I am holding on to you word. 


I know that you are good, and that is what I cling too! 
As I sit here sorting out my thoughts, I think of all you have done.
I am trying my hardest not to be ungrateful. 
I am just a girl with a lot on my mind this night. 


Please understand my thoughts, are not a jibe of how hard you are on me!
They are just momentary feelings, and tomorrow is another day. 
I once again say that you are good, and that's all I need to know right now!  

Saturday, July 2, 2011

MY DOUBT








So much has happened,

So much has changed.
Trust has been broken,
I now live in shame.

My head feels heavy. 
I fear everyone knows. 
They look at me now,
I now feel there blows 


Guilty inside,
no treasure to find.
all these feelings locked up inside!

I can't breathe, 
I can't find,
I am lost...dead inside!  

There is no light in this part,
just scared in the dark.
I can't find my way.
I am  far gone some would say.







She used to be so alive and so bright!
what happened to all of the love in her life?

She put her trust in the: church 
her friends, family 
and man.
she put them so high, they brought her so low!

She couldn't hold on to the pieces of her now broken soul! 
 down she went, straight down in a hole. 
And now it dark, scary 
and cold!







I am hurt, and I'm bleeding,
never been so stressed.
I don't feel safe anymore, 
not close to His chest.

I cry in the night, 
trying to find my hope!
trying to chase it down like wispy ghost. 

I need to find the light.
I am terrified of this night!
I believe I am going to loose this fight.
What happened to my Christianity that I held onto so tight?






She can't get it together.
She has lost her mind!
She now has a few addictions to add to her strife! 

She is not even trying, so it seems. 
I wouldn't judge her, but she deserves being brought so low.
She never would have thought she would be here, a year ago. 

Doesn't listen, doesn't learn.
refuses to admit! 
that her faith was never strong! 
That's how she ended up in this pit!





Please help me...please help me! 
I am asking you all. 
I can't live another day!
I know I will fall! 

If you can't help me when I am down,
then don't act like you care. 
My doubt has just gotten the better of me.
My God is this fair?

I have tried many years to make my life work.
But all I have found in many years is hurt!
Failure, after Failure. 
Day, after day.
Can you help me? Help me stop living this way?

I picked up a Bible after so many years. 
went to a passage that calmed all my fears. 
For the Lord has not given us the spirit of fear and doubt!
But a sound mind is given to those lives that are found!  

It doesn't matter that I once was full of shame.
for God has taken away all thoughts of dismay. 
He has brought me to a sunshiny day. 
And taken away all doubt in His name! 

The pain has now lessened. 
And I don't care if everyone knows, 
how He made me whole! 
And strengthened my Love,
of the one who is love! 

For He is the Lord who stomped out, my DOUBT!